


Everything's Better With Jeff Goldblum

by Finnspiration



Category: Buzzfeed The Try Guys (Web Series)
Genre: Gen, Humor, Music, Zach's best day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-28
Updated: 2019-08-28
Packaged: 2020-09-28 14:46:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20427689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Finnspiration/pseuds/Finnspiration
Summary: Jeff Goldblum makes every misheard lyrics video better.





	Everything's Better With Jeff Goldblum

“Nobody mishears it like that, Zach,” said Keith.

They were going over misheard lyrics for a new video and Zach had had some good ideas.

“Sure they do. I thought that’s what it said. Jeff Goldblum, of course. He’s the guy everybody wants.”

“No it’s you, right, with your three foot dick?”

Zach giggled. “It gets bigger every time you tell the story!” 

Not that he minded. If he was going to be teased about something, that was sure a complimentary thing to get teased about. It wasn’t as though he could whip it out for the camera and show the internet his actual dick on purpose. 

He was a man of mystery, and super classy.

#

“Oh man. It’s stupid,” said Eugene, rolling his eyes when Zach showed him the idea later. 

Zach wavered between hurt and offended. “What are you talking about? It’s great. We’ll get a Jeff Goldblum cutout and dance him through the scene.”

“Don’t get me wrong, I’ll sing it. It’s just stupid. Can’t we get some actual misheard lyrics if we’re going to do this video?”

“What do you mean? I’ve definitely misheard it like that! C’mon, it makes the most sense.”

“You’re getting the cutout,” said Eugene, turning away.

“Oh yeah. And I’m keeping it afterwards!”

Eugene tried to hold it back, but he was definitely laughing.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” said Zach. He bit his lip, and pretended to rethink it. “Although…” He raised one hand then the other like he was weighing the situation.

“We get it, you love Jeff.”

“Everybody loves Jeff Goldblum. Don’t say his name like that. Jeff. You don’t know him. You don't get to call him _ Jeff _ like he's your neighbor!”

Could Eugene not have a little respect for the great man?

#

Ned managed to look handsome and condescending all at once. He could pull off more expressions at once with that Dad Beard of his. It carried several all on its own. 

“Your dad was a Springsteen fan. Tell me you honestly thought the song included Jeff Goldblum.”

“Not actual Jeff Goldblum,” explained Zach, for what felt like the dozenth time. Why was he explaining his lyrical choices over and over again--nay, defending them, like they weren’t good enough to stand on their own? “He’s just a good representation. There are some stupid ass misheard lyrics, and this is not weird at all!”

“Yeah, but we have our own company now,” said Ned, and leaned closer, lowering his voice conspiratorially. “We don’t want to release low-quality content.”

“Low quality?” Zach spluttered, eyes bugging. “JEFF GOLDBLUM IS NOT LOW QUALITY CONTENT, NED.”

Ned sighed softly. “Keep your voice down, Zach. And people think _ I’m _ the loud one.”

#

In the Totally Not A Buzzfeed Video style shoot, with Eugene wearing Elvis gear, a big old-fashioned microphone and a dark background, as well as lots of props and extras to dance in and out and demonstrate the lyrics, the music shoot was happening. 

Zach had fought and won the battle. With Jeff Goldblum by his side, or the cardboard version at least, he waited for his cue.

The music started and Eugene and Keith put their heads near the microphone to sing lines from _ Tougher Than The Rest_. The Springsteen lyrics that anyone could totally have misheard that way:

“_ Some girls they want a handsome Dan / Or some good-lookin' Jew… _” 

Right on the mark, not tripping or anything, Zach hurried out, making the cardboard figure dance in front of him, a big grin on his face. _ Yes, Jeff! Represent! _ He bit his tongue and kept quiet. He had been specifically asked not to sing along and mess up the harmony.

"Am I late?" asked a familiar voice. A voice Zach had never before this day heard in person. He turned, still bobbing the cardboard figure in this totally lifelike dance, and saw..._ the actual Jeff Goldblum_. Looking totally cool, fashionable, pulled-together, and ever so slightly amused. 

"Or maybe you didn't need me here at all?" He nodded to the cutout. 

"Oh, we definitely needed you for the shoot," said Keith, stepping forward to shake his hand. "Thank you so much. It's an honor to meet you. We have here today...your biggest fan. Zach, why don't you say hello?"

#

_ I'm meeting Jeff Goldblum, this is the best day of my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! _ thought Zach. Yes, with every single one of those exclamation marks. 

Ned gave him a soft smile. "Happy Birthday, Zach."

Keith clapped him on the shoulder. "That's your gift. Don't expect anything else from us."

Zach nodded enthusiastically. "I'm—I'm so pleased to meet you, sir. Mr. Goldblum. I'm—I'm a huge fan. The hugest! Not literally, obviously!" He pumped Jeff Goldblum's hand, laughing giddily. Jeff Goldblum was even cooler in person. Way, way cooler. Zach hoped he wasn't going to faint from the sheer coolness of this meeting. 

For his part, the great actor seemed calm, cool, and collected, with a faint twinkle in his eye and a tolerant smile on his face. "Thank you, that's always nice to hear."

Behind him, Eugene waltzed by in that sassy way he had when he wanted everyone to notice what a smartass he was being. With a shit-eating grin that was all for Zach, he said, "Thanks for stopping by, _ Jeff_. It was great of you to make time for us."

"Thanks for inviting me," said Mr. Goldblum, without apparently taking offense. "I thought if I was going to be in a Try Guys video, it would be nice to show up in person." His eyes twinkled and he arched a brow at the cardboard cutout and looked like he was trying not to laugh.

"Um. Yes," said Zach, shoving the cardboard cutout away. It fell awkwardly and with a loud thump. _ Shit. _

He wondered if he could ask Jeff Goldblum to possibly autograph his face, and then get it turned into a tattoo. Would that be too weird? People said you regretted face tattoos, but hey, you only lived once, right?

_ And now here I am, meeting Jeff Goldblum. _Zach had never felt more alive. It was the best birthday ever.

"Okay, so, we're going to shoot the scene again," said Keith, "and you'll just do a little dance through the foreground."

"It won't take long," said Ned. "We know you're a busy man. With a baby and everything." He smiled warmly, apparently sharing Dad Bonding Telepathy with Mr. Goldblum.

"I can do that, yeah, but Zachary here—can I call you Zachary? Or do you prefer Zach?"

Zach nodded. "Yes. Both. Anything." Jeff Goldblum could call him Turd-Head and he'd say thank you, sir.

Mr. Goldblum laughed lightly and put a hand on Zach's shoulder. "Well, I think Zachary here should accompany me. After all, two good-looking Jews are better than one."

"That's what she said," sing-songed Eugene in the background, and Zach couldn't help it—he started to giggle. He was a nervous giggler, a happy giggler, a sympathetic giggler—and he was losing it in front of Jeff Goldblum.

Then the best thing ever happened: Jeff Goldblum laughed, too!


End file.
